{learning forgiveness}

I am struggling to forgive someone; a couple of someones, actually. It would probably be easier to do if this person asked for forgiveness, but they haven’t. To be honest, this person thinks other people are the problem.  This person thinks I tried to "take" her place in the family and ruin the relationships she has with her family.   They don’t seem to notice or care about the pain they have caused. That’s what gets me. I want them to be held accountable. I know that isn’t my job, and I firmly believe that God has the power to change hearts but after years of praying i'm losing hope. My issue is with those who don’t seek out or want forgiveness, those who don’t see that there is anything to forgive, those who continue to live selfishly without any thought for the people around them. 

Every time I’ve reached a point when I thought I had forgiven this person and moved past the bitterness, something else would happen and I would realize how ready I was to pick up the burden of unforgiveness again.  Last weekend I made a little comment on Instagram to my niece saying how beautiful she looked at prom, and minutes later it was deleted.  That sent me into a tailspin.  Why? Why should I have any hope this is ever going to get better.   I’ve asked God over and over to let me see this person through His eyes, help me understand. Nothing changes, in fact things get worse.  I'm not the one who cut off communication but if I can do something to get it going again I will.  I know that I also need forgiveness at times and I cant hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others.  The pain from getting cut off from this person's children is what drives me to be better and what destroys me all at the same time.

Maybe that’s why I needed to write this. I need to force myself to focus on it — to think about it. I need to search God’s word and find everything I can about forgiveness, because there is nothing in the Bible that says I’m off the hook if they don’t ever feel sorry. That’s not how it works.  I"m trying to figure out why this is my lesson to learn.  What growth is going to come from this? I already value my family enough to never treat them this way.  I already know not to use my children as pawns to hurt others.  So what am I missing? Please, if you have some ideas let me know. 

Jesus said in Matthew 18:22 that we are to forgive those who sin against us, “not seven times, but seventy-seven times,” implying that there should never be a moment when our hearts are not ready to forgive. My heart is to forgive. Yes, sometimes my heart has to be coaxed into even considering forgiveness.  I wish it was easier for me but when I have a chance to talk it out forgiveness always wins.  I have to think that's why this situation is so hard, no communication. 

One day we will all have to answer for our lives and I will not be able to answer for anyone but me. I won't be able to use someone else as my excuse then, so I have to stop doing it now. There is no excuse for bitterness in my heart. That is all on me.  I finally got the saying Let Go and Let God just the other day.  It such a simple message but it never really resonated with me until yesterday.  I want to be able to just let it go but the past years of praying without and progress keeps my heart guarded.  

Blah.