{birthday introspective}
I realized, at my oldest age, that there are certain things about me that I can not change, other things that I want to change and then the things that make me, me.
- I have a silent laugh and when I really get going, like during A.F.V. (duh), it turns into a semi choking sound.
- I am afraid of the dark. Not just any dark but outside, country dark. Example: I have a hard time walking to the dog kennels at night. I know there is a cracked out raccoon or devil bat waiting to attack me, they watch from the trees with their glowing eyes. For no reason what so ever, my walk turns into this weird marching band, high stepping half run thing until I get around the barn and close to the house. The dogs are no help when they stop mid stride and stare into the darknessas if they are on alert to a predator. Thinking about it now I'm not sure why I just don't run, no one can see me. Oh, don't get me started on walking to the deer stand in the morning, thankfully that's only a couple times a year.
- Cake is my favorite food, always will be.
- I struggle with anxiety and control issues. I am in denial about the severity of said issues but it's starting to affect me more. Maybe it's the "old age" or maybe it's being a working mom in general. The last actual attack hit me in front of the kids in the middle of South Dakota after our caravan narrowly avoided certain death traveling home from Wyoming. By that I mean, we got a flat tire on our trailer and changed it on the side of the road. I am used to doing things myself and my way, I make a plan and I follow it. I think my job adds to this as I am on a schedule and things have to go according to plan, peoples lives are at stake. Their financial lives but it's still serious, I have taken many phone calls from crying borrowers after things didn't go as planned. However, when it goes beyond my control that's when the anxiety starts, it's a vicious cycle. The next time you see me I'll probably be medicated!
- My stretch marks are never going away, no matter how much lotion I use!
- I hate being late. Hate it!
- I make "to do" lists, multiple ones each day. If the list gets too messy I will re-write it. I will admire my list in all its glory then usually leave it sitting behind and get to the store and go crazy without my list. I get upset about the items I forgot but I think a small part of me is excited to check off the old list and start another one.
- The Holiday Season is really hard on me. I have the holiday spirit and I love being with family but all the details and pressures often get the best of me. You would think with all the gift lists I would be in heaven. But unless you tell me exactly what you want I blank out in the store. I love cooking but I get nervous about how it will turn out or if anyone will like it. With limited time and 4 sides of the family to see we often have to cram our visits in and someone ends up feeling left out or upset. Which then brings up the late issue, if we don't leave one house on time we are the ones everyone else is waiting for at the next place.
- I stub my feet, a lot. By now, I thought all the feeling in my toes would be gone but each time hurts just as bad.
- I know that blog posts are lame without photos. Sorry.
- I can dish it out and I can take it. That's the way I was raised baby.
So there's an introspective for this 32nd birthday. Cami informed me next year will be great because 33 is her favorite number, and really it is.
- I have a silent laugh and when I really get going, like during A.F.V. (duh), it turns into a semi choking sound.
- I am afraid of the dark. Not just any dark but outside, country dark. Example: I have a hard time walking to the dog kennels at night. I know there is a cracked out raccoon or devil bat waiting to attack me, they watch from the trees with their glowing eyes. For no reason what so ever, my walk turns into this weird marching band, high stepping half run thing until I get around the barn and close to the house. The dogs are no help when they stop mid stride and stare into the darknessas if they are on alert to a predator. Thinking about it now I'm not sure why I just don't run, no one can see me. Oh, don't get me started on walking to the deer stand in the morning, thankfully that's only a couple times a year.
- Cake is my favorite food, always will be.
- I struggle with anxiety and control issues. I am in denial about the severity of said issues but it's starting to affect me more. Maybe it's the "old age" or maybe it's being a working mom in general. The last actual attack hit me in front of the kids in the middle of South Dakota after our caravan narrowly avoided certain death traveling home from Wyoming. By that I mean, we got a flat tire on our trailer and changed it on the side of the road. I am used to doing things myself and my way, I make a plan and I follow it. I think my job adds to this as I am on a schedule and things have to go according to plan, peoples lives are at stake. Their financial lives but it's still serious, I have taken many phone calls from crying borrowers after things didn't go as planned. However, when it goes beyond my control that's when the anxiety starts, it's a vicious cycle. The next time you see me I'll probably be medicated!
- My stretch marks are never going away, no matter how much lotion I use!
- I hate being late. Hate it!
- I make "to do" lists, multiple ones each day. If the list gets too messy I will re-write it. I will admire my list in all its glory then usually leave it sitting behind and get to the store and go crazy without my list. I get upset about the items I forgot but I think a small part of me is excited to check off the old list and start another one.
- The Holiday Season is really hard on me. I have the holiday spirit and I love being with family but all the details and pressures often get the best of me. You would think with all the gift lists I would be in heaven. But unless you tell me exactly what you want I blank out in the store. I love cooking but I get nervous about how it will turn out or if anyone will like it. With limited time and 4 sides of the family to see we often have to cram our visits in and someone ends up feeling left out or upset. Which then brings up the late issue, if we don't leave one house on time we are the ones everyone else is waiting for at the next place.
- I stub my feet, a lot. By now, I thought all the feeling in my toes would be gone but each time hurts just as bad.
- I know that blog posts are lame without photos. Sorry.
- I can dish it out and I can take it. That's the way I was raised baby.
My new motto:
So there's an introspective for this 32nd birthday. Cami informed me next year will be great because 33 is her favorite number, and really it is.
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