{my new year}

I'm happy to say I stuck to my 2014 New Year's goals! As I look back over the year it got me thinking about 2015.  What to do? What to do...2015 New Year's goals are: I plan to join a gym and stop swearing! Ha, let's be honest neither of those things are realistic and real is what I'm going for today.

Hi, my name is April and I have depression.

Hmm, can we think a hipper name for it? I've dealt with depression for a long time and I've tried to hide and ignore it.  As I grew up I buried certain things instead of dealing with them.  The reason for the issues isn't important but the way I handled them was incorrect. After you bury things deep down you feel like you've moved past it but that's not the case.  My mind has a funny way of showing me that when I least expect it.  While I was going through my issues I was accused of being phony, among other things.  Phony? That bothered me, I don't think I'm a phony person.  I am, however, a private person and I think that can come across as phony to some people, if they don't know me.   I'm private about my struggles because I feel like there's no need to burden others with my problems.  That is different than being phony.  I'm private with some successes in order to maintain humility.  I guess I can say I am phony about one thing; confidence.  I can act like I have confidence but rarely do I feel like I actually do.

Depression makes me feel like I'm not worth anything to other people.  I feel I have to keep proving to them that I am worthy enough to be in their life.   It is a struggle that I’m dealing with in small doses. Thinking of the big picture is overwhelming so I'm taking baby steps.  ($5 if you can tell me what movie that's from)  Depression runs in my family and it's something I grew up around.  No matter how hard I tried to dismiss it, it never went away completely.  Wow, no surprise there right?  Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away.  Its just hibernates for a while then swoops in to wreak havoc on your life again.  This latest battle was bad, it caught me off guard because I thought everything was going well.  Before I knew it I was down for the count.  I'm going to spare you the details but it wasn't pretty.  Then a moment of clarity slapped me in the face by way of this blog. It happened at the right time, I had to be ready to see it.  I wouldn't have been able to recognize that moment without the loved ones who were there for me. They wanted to help but I wasn't ready, you can't help someone when they are in denial.  They have to be ready to accept help to move forward.  Helping me is not an easy thing to do, I don't accept it very easily.   Now let me tell you this, everyone needs a husband (or wife) like mine. He’s frickin' incredible.  Without Dan and the other blessings in my life I wouldn't be who I am today.  I owe you one...million.  I’m also thankful to have a busy life with farm chores, sports, work and school. It doesn't give you much time to hideaway and sink into despair. 

Earlier I said I had a moment of clarity and I want tell you that story.  In the not so distant past, I was by myself and I reached into my purse to grab my phone.  When I turned it on the blog web page was open and it was on our Baptism post.  That wasn't the way I left it. I haven't looked at the blog on my phone in a while but it's bookmarked in safari. How did that happen? Something brought me to that website.  I re-read that post and I cried.  "The Lord can't steer an anchored ship" is the first line.  Pastor John said that at church one day and I never forgot it, apparently I never understood it either.  It's so simple.  How stupid can I be, it's up to me to pull up anchor and be steer-able. Victims stay victims because they choose to, because they get so comfortable in their world that its too scary to change. Victims don't get respect they get pity, that thought went through my head and I sat silent for a few minutes. Then I focused on the last photo in that post.  Those other 3 smiling faces, the people who are dealing with this too by association, they are my heart.  I'm not going to burden them any longer just because I'm scared/weak/depressed.  I am not going to be a wife/parent/child that makes them endure my problems because I wasn't dealing with it properly.  That was the day something clicked, and I don't even remember what day it was.  I guess I don't really care.

So you're probably thinking, if I'm such a private person than why the hell am I writing it out for all to see?  One of the reasons I've battled this internally is because of my own self-inflicted embarrassment. I couldn't even say the word out loud. I didn't want that label or the stigma that comes with it.  It's not something I wanted to admit to myself much less anyone else.  It's still hard for me to say it. It's time to move on from it and I'm writing this to turn this into a positive.   I'm sure a lot of people have someone in their life that they wonder about.  You think maybe that person needs my help to get them going in the right direction.  You can't give up on them, they will come around and having you there will be incredible for them.  The purpose of this blog was to replace the scrap books and keep a journal for my family. Not really a part that I'm proud of but it's part of our story, its real.

It's nice to start the new year looking forward to all we have coming our way. Now, how do I end a long boring post like this?  I guess with a picture, my favorite picture.