{is there a finish line with depression}

There are a few types of depression; Situational and Major being the most common. You can have 1 or the other or they can over lap.  Major depression is the kind that you have because your brain is messed up.  A “chemical imbalance” that usually requires drugs and/or therapy to fix.  Left untreated or ignored this can lead to many other issues and suicide.

I have major depression.  I wish I didn’t, I acted like I didn’t but I do.  This isn’t new info and I know that but trying to fix it is harder than actually admitting it to myself or anyone else.  Now that its been a while and I have tried different things to help myself I can look back and learn from it.  When you’re deep into some icky stuff and you feel yourself rising up and doing better, there’s nothing like it.   I may mention something to my family like, ‘hey, I felt really good today” that probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone else but it’s a victory to me.  Then a couple of those “good” days string together and suddenly I want to shout it from the roof top. “wow, I am doing great!” Then the guilt creeps in.  Big deal you acted like a normal functioning adult for a few days in a row.  Your family deserves that from you they don’t need to throw you a parade.  We have a lot going on and this is what is required of me to keep my family on track and succeed in life.  Or a trigger happens to you; you see someone or hear something that brings you down like a ton of bricks or a miscarriage rocks your world.  It’s such a see-saw ride.

The most frustrating part is…part of me wants a parade.  Maybe that’s the immature part of me or maybe that’s the “chemically imbalanced” part of my brain that says hey I’m balanced and I feel good and I want someone to notice.   Everyone notices when I’m not feeling good, when I’m grumpy and tried.  They react accordingly and I don’t blame them for it. 

Can I beat it? 

I want to.  I think I will.  I haven’t missed a game or lesson yet.  I haven’t missed work or family stuff yet.  I hope I won’t ever let it beat me.  I have a lot of private moments of pain and anxiety trying to beat it.  I try so hard to not let it affect anyone else and I hope I am doing a good job.   I guess I built up this fictional moment when I would cross a finish line and had over my pill bottles and low self-esteem card and everything would be different.  I want that moment but I’m realizing that’s not how my journey is going to end.  I will carry this for the rest of my life.  Every night is my finish line.  As I close my eyes I will learn from the day I just had and start fresh tomorrow.